Im Traum
nicht einmal mehr
suche ich
mein verlorenes Paradies
bei dir
ich erfinde es
besser allein
für mich
In Wirklichkeit
will ich
einfach nur leben
mit dir
so gutes geht
I just ate a lot of M&M’s.
I hate myself for being so weak with everything about food. I always think: okay only this and then it’s happening, one by one, it’s like dominos.
I try to focus on the aim I’m trying to achieve, to lose weight again, but why am I always losing the focus?
Wishing I was someone else,
It’s my own fault that I’m fucked up but I still worry about my
mental health.
I’ve g-g-got a stutter and the memory of a Goldfish,
My mind is melting into mush because I barely use it.
I think it’s time to sort it out, to get a job and move out.
But I’m just a kid! So? Deal with it!
It’s the credit crunch, that’s my excuse for being unemployed for
months
Wishing I was someone else but I’m not, I’m myself,
And I really need some cash ‘cos chasing dreams don’t pay you jack.
So put the kettle on, leave the tea bag in because I like it strong,
My mouth is burned to bits and I’m practically drowning in PG Tips.
I’m not promising anything but I’ll try to try to get a job instead of
watching TV all of the time, but we all know the best thing since
sliced bread is Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps.
Playstation 3 is owning me, I’m sick of playing Gameboy, Nintendo
and Xbox 360.
My thumbs have blisters on the plasters covering blisters - Triangle
and circle are my brothers, X and square my sisters.
I moved back in with my mum, no job, no money, no hope, no fun. I
owe about a million grand for my guitar, my amp and a band van
I studied music at University, spent another million grand on tuition
fees and then left without a degree.
We are the kids of the recession, credit cards, overdrafts, loans and
no pensions.
We are the kids, we’ll learn our lesson by years of living in a country
in depression.
Lower Than Atlantis - I’m Not Bulimic
I don’t know appears far too often in my entries.
Yesterday we went to the musical “Rebecca” in Stuttgart, my parents, my sister and I.
She always seems so empty, like an empty cover, there’s nothing inside anymore. When she smiles, when she laughs, when she says anything, there’s barely any emotion to it. It scares me but (as always) it makes me angry too. Whenever you hug her or just try to do anything tender or nice she just freezes and tenses up. It hurts. She’s not herself anymore.
It seems like nothing you tell her gives her any feelings. No joy, noy anger, no sadness, nothing. It’s like never receiving an answer at all. I’ve thought about taking her to down for a day, just being a day out bc she’s allowed to go, but I ffel like I bother her and that she doesn’t really want to. I think she prefers her friends at this stage. I wish she would just tell us the truth, straight-up. Because my family, we’re fighting for her love, we’re doing everything we can and she just pushes us back and offends us. I wish she’d tells if she needs a little distance right now.
I’m scared that the hospital will break her, I’m scared that she’ll never recover from anorexia. Only now I realize how the subject of losing weight is all around us, all the time, it’s unavoidable.
I say all of this while feeling really fat btw. I’m a coward and a hypocrite. When I saw the picture from our last band performances and pictures from my mom’s birthday party I was a bit shocked. I didn’t know I was that fat. Photos are crucial, tey’re telling the truth. Well, I don’T know, it’s just how you perceive yourself, isn’t it? But I don’t know if I perceive myself right. If my judgement is true, if it’s real. Or if others perceive my body completely differently. If the way I perceived it in the pictures is right… I have to change it, I want to change it. I want to have my dream body once in life. Sometimes I think I’ll never achieve it, because I don’t want to go without the food or because I just don’t have the genes, but i want to know what it feels like.
I’d just like to be a Size S again. I’d like to have a normal relation towards food, and to not have these constant losses of control over what I eat. It’s just happened today. I can’t stop, I’m just shoving it all in my face, doesn’t have to be sweets or chocolate. I’d like to see what one of those ‘skinny’ girls eats a day, if what they eat is considered ‘normal’. What is normal anyways.
Also I have recently developed this huge fear of the future. Now that I see I have only one year left in school, I’m scared I’m gonna fall into a big black hole afterwards. That all my friends move away (which are not many) and I’m left here with noone. MY best friend wants to go to England for a year, but what am I gonna do? When I don’t have to go to school anymore every morning? Everyone is glad that school will be over and I am kind of too, but it was the thing that gave me structure and orientation in my everday life, it gave me routine though it was a pain sometimes. What am I gong to get up for everymorning? I don’t know it yet.
I don’t have an aim yet. Or have I? I want to be a musician but that’s a risky aim. I’ll apply for the Popakademie but they’re only letting 10 in for singing & Songwriting.
Jesus Christ, that’s a pretty face
The kind you’d find on someone I could save
If they don’t put me away
Well, it’ll be a miracle
Do you believe you’re missin’ out
That everything good is happening somewhere else?
But with nobody in your bed
The night’s hard to get through
And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won’t know anyone
